To Parents Whose Daughters Are Young Adults

I'm not a mother. I don't know what it's like to see your daughter go off to college or university desperately wanting to leave home.

I'm not a father, well, I'm a girl, woman, young woman, so obviously.

But I am a daughter and I would like to tell some parents, as a daughter who left for university and went abroad on her own for a year, and wanted to leave home desperately, feels when they go home. I'm not saying all daughters feel this way but I think lots can relate.

When I was away in my junior year studying abroad in Oregon, USA, (where this blog took flight), when I did think of home, I remembered how it was like in junior high or high school. How we would do things as a family and how I was always in the middle (only child).

It was probably about a month or two before I returned. My parents went to couple's therapy like thing or convention, or whatever that thing was, to get back together and be a couple. Apparently raising even just one child is hard on the parents and makes them parents rather than a couple... Kudos parents out there with more than one child.

So when I came back, all ready for some family time, I noticed that, they spent more time being couple-like and all lovey-dovey, than they spent time listening to my tales of studying abroad and funny stories and stuff. I was actually kind of looking forward to telling them things. I've always told them things. But instead my voice is blocked out by goo-goo eyes. I'll be talking and they're not listening. They are into each other.

I began to spend a lot of my energy just trying to make them frickin listen.

"LISTEN!!!" I'd say. "JUST LISTEN!! LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN!"

Literally I could see all-caps coming out of my mouth.

Then, thankfully, I returned to independency again and went back to university. I felt really sad and lonely inside and I didn't really know how to make them understand what I felt. I mulled over this for a long time until one faithful Skype chat with my mom.

I told her how I felt and exactly what I wanted her to do. I told her it was great they were lovey-dovey but I said I felt left out. Like a +alpha. Like the extra piece. It was like THEM. And then ME. Not THEM and ME. I know they would never intentionally ostracise me but it felt that way.

I told them I wanted to be a family again.

My mom said she will be careful and hope that I knew she understood.
I told her I was glad.

Then I went home again.

It was fine for the first three days until everything went back to normal again.

Frickin listen, already!

When I returned to university, I started to feel like I didn't want to go home. But I didn't want to feel that way because family ties are very important.

I told my mom about it again. She said she was sorry and would be careful and for me to tell her when she went off track. She asked me if I understood that she understood how I was feeling.
I told her I would only believe it when I get home.

Making my parents listen. Why was it so stressful? I couldn't understand why they were getting it. I needed to mull over it for a while because whatever I said, somehow wasn't getting to them. I needed to get them to understand, BUT HOW? ("How the Grinch Stole Christmas" reference).

Soon it was time to go home again. This time for the summer. I actually dreaded it.

But I couldn't NOT go home so I did. I prepared myself for more breakdowns in my room and no one to talk to about my feelings about this. Here is where I did wish I had a sibling. At least I could talk to them. Even if we did fight about it.

It was just like the two times before. It was fine in the beginning. Then, they started to overdo it. They'd be walking side by side holding hands and suddenly my mom would beckon me, walking behind them, and try to hold my hand or something. Get me to be "in the middle again".

But That's Not What I Was Talking About.

It's even hard to write it for you guys. I don't know, maybe I wanted an emotional connection, not a physical one. Whatever it was that I had with my parents in junior high, high school, and all the times before that,

could

I

never

get

that

back?


One summer evening, we all sat down in the living room and talked about my future career and what I wanted to do in the future and if I was going to take the GRE and how I would study and whatnot.

Then they asked me if I had anything I wanted to talk about. Anything at all.

I had my chance. I gave them a set of rules before I talked.

1. They had to be quiet and not interrupt me or talk until I was done.
2. This is stuff I had thought about for a long, long, time and for them to know that.
3. To listen. Just listen.

I basically just threw up the words after that along with a waterfall of tears.

They listened to every word.

When I was finally done speaking my heart out, I ALLOWED them to speak. A tiny part of me, at the time, gave me praise. I had made them listen. This was a first. I had authority over the authority for the first time in my life.

Then my mom does that thing where she takes some points in my speech and repeats it back at me just to show that she "understands". She should've paraphrased it. It would have made me feel a lot better. You don't repeat something like a parrot. Parrots don't understand what you're saying to them.

This time, it was longer. This time I actually felt like we were a collective family again.

I went back to university with hopes.

Until the next visit, of course. Still they seem to remember that faithful day their daughter spoke her guts out and try to do things right.

But the truth is, since my absence and their couple's session thing, they have completely forgotten what it's like to be a family. And another hard thing is, if you're a daughter that is not a girl or a woman yet, it's hard to know how to act around your parents.

I mean, you can't be a kid because your parents would say,

"You are a young adult and you should know better."

or

"You are not a kid anymore so don't act like one."

Then you try to be grown up and they baby you like,

"Wake up, time to start the day!"

"Did you do your homework, sweety?"

Gosh, parents, do you want me to grow up or what??? I mean, srsly. So when you nag me like I'm in junior high, I act on that. I feel like a child again. Then when I act on that, you're like, don't be a kid. So, what the HECK am I supposed to frickin do?

Parents, if your child tells you they want to be the young adult, LET THEM BE IT!!!! If they try to be grown up, let them be grown up. Don't start babying them back into childhood!


If you want to know the rest of my story, I can tell you I still dread going home because I don't know what I'll find. Will it be good or will I have multiple breakdowns again? I STILL don't know how to make them understand what I feel. Probably because I even don't know exactly what it is I want from them.

Definitely not physical connection. That will always be there, I think. I don't know about the emotional side. I have no idea how to explain to them... to make them UNDERSTAND not "understand the words".

Maybe they need to understand the feelings?

I also want to shout out to you parents out there with daughters who are young adults. You need to realize that your approach to your daughter, if she is in distress about family connections, could be the wrong way. We are all human and we are all NOT perfect. We all make mistakes. EVEN PARENTS.

Parents, you need to know that the things you're doing to make the situation better, just might be making it worse for your young adult daughter. Please, keep that in mind. You don't want a daughter that dreads coming home to you.

I don't want young adults like me feel the confusing way I feel.

And I wish it could all just come clear. I wish I could see beyond the fog. But I can't. And all my words bounce back at me before hitting the parents that stand on the other side of that fog.

I don't know what to do. I hope your daughter does. Or if you're a daughter like me, I hope you've found a way out.